Humour
Mrs Beamish
Mrs Beamish stands in church, expression calm and holy,
And when the organ plays, she mumbles hymns extremely slowly.
A pillar of St. Botolph’s for twenty years or more,
She does the flowers at Easter and the brass work on the door.
But recently St. Botolph’s has gained a brand-new vicar,
His name is Ken, he is single, and he wants the hymns sung quicker.
And he’s introduced a custom, which Mrs Beamish hates,
And she rounds upon the person next to hear and clearly states:
“Don’t you dare shake hands with me or offer signs of peace.
You lay a finger on me and I’ll call the Police.
Don’t whisper ‘Peace be with you’, this is the C of E,
So, bend the knee, say ‘thou’ and ‘thee’ and keep your hands off me.”
Ken tells us ‘love your neighbour’ and Mrs Beamish sneers:
“I only love my neighbours if I’ve known them thirty years.”
Even when it isn’t Christmas, he lets youngsters in the Church.
He’s altered all the music after audience research.
They shout out ‘Alleluia’, they don’t act like me and you.
The young women don’t wear hats and the young men quite often do.
They seem to like their hands enthusiastically wrung,
Then they turn to Mrs Beamish and feel her acid tongue:
“Don’t you dare shake hands with me, I don’t know where you’ve been,
You lay a finger on me and you’ll feel this tambourine.
Don’t whisper ‘Peace be with you’, this is the C of E,
So, bend the knee, say ‘thou’ and ‘thee’ and keep your hands off me.”
In the beginning was the Word, read out loud by Thora Herd,
Harry Secombe then would scream “Morning has broken” by a stream.
Now the organ’s gone for scrap, even vicar (wants to) clap.
“Alleluia” Mrs Beamish, Mrs Beamish.
Alleluia, she’s squeamish, so squeamish.
“Don’t you dare shake hands with me or turn to me and smile.
You’ll wake up spitting teeth out face downwards in the aisle.
Don’t whisper ‘Peace be with you’, this is the C of E,
If you go one inch too far, you’ll end up wearing that guitar.
One false step in my direction, you’ll need to believe in the resurrection.
So, bend the knee, say ‘thou’ and ‘thee’ and keep your hands off me.”
During Sunday school, the teacher asked her class of those in their first year if anyone could describe a Christian. A little boy quickly raised his hand and stated, “Christians are nice people who never complain, argue, or talk back.” He then added, “My Daddy is a good Christian, but my Mother isn’t.”
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
One day an elephant saw a hummingbird lying on its back with its tiny feet up in the air. “What are you doing?” asked the elephant. The hummingbird replied, “I heard that the sky might fall today, and so I am ready to help hold it up, should it fall.” The elephant laughed cruelly. “Do you really think,” he said, “that those tiny feet could help hold up the sky?” The hummingbird kept his feet up in the air, intent on his purpose as he replied, “Not alone. But each must do what he can. And this is what I can do.”
Baptisms
1st March Alice Violet Maggs
15th March Edward David Webber
15th March Ellis Joseph Grundstokes
Funeral
20th March Clive Dennis
GOD BLESS YOU
